Glaring Gratitude

So I am writing this on a whim without any idea of where the sentences will take me. I just wrote 'gratitude' into the title as that was the word that came to mind. A feeling that has seemed to creep up on me over the last few days. Knowing where from is not clear, but maybe it is the divine feedback from engaging with Lynne McTaggarts Intention Experiment this week? Or the meditation I attended with the lovely Amanda from www.enjoybetterhealth.co.uk or maybe it is because I am learning to be kind to myself and am listening to my needs without expectations or pressure for results. It is probably a culmination of all these things and more...

Since Christmas I have been experiencing mild vertigo, especially at night. It has not been pleasant, but could be much worse, so I am grateful for my small discomfort, as much as it is sickening at times. I know from experience that it will pass like all the other minor ailments that I have experienced throughout my life. I have come to a point of knowing, that to focus upon it will not benefit me in the present or in the long run. It is easy to say this now the dizziness has lessened considerably, and after I spent much time looking up the reasoning behind and underneath its manifestation, which mostly pointed at overwhelm and feeling exhausted etc

But what this dizziness lead me to do was to go and have an eye test, I have a pair of glasses that I rarely wear from 25 years ago! Ha ha yes it is true, yet they seemed to ease my nausea over the recent weeks. As I sat with the optician and gulped at the cost of my new all singing and dancing varifocals, I thought of what I would say to a loved one in my position. If the shoe was on the other foot I would say 'Go for it! Get the best ones, treat yourself, your eyes are important'. Yet it was very difficult to discipline myself and push through always putting myself last and being a frugal mum as I am, to turn the situation around and give myself the best advice, my own advice, being the gift of the best glasses and clarity of sight, was challenging.

That was a huge insight and hurdle which I observed myself clamber over as the optician sat before me measuring my eyes and the distance between my pupils with a ruler. It was the way she'd learnt in college, she told me, although they have digital equipment to do it these days. She wasn't aware of my inner struggle as I gazed out of the window feeling my internal systems shifting and rearranging themselves to a new level of self care and value for myself.

As I walked out of there I felt like I had shed something, a mindset that I no longer need in my life, and that I had overcome a generational belief that I had been carrying all my life without even realising it. A sense of relief and freedom of no longer being constrained by unconscious yet nagging feelings of unworthiness, settled over me which I am so very grateful for.

Grateful to the dizziness, my inner knowledge that took me on this journey which I am now happy to be sharing here with you 🙏 so thank you, for finding this and for your eyes to read my words and share this monumental moment with me ❤️ and tomorrow I pick up my new specs! Hooray!